Two brothers, one a Michigan graduate and one an Ohio State graduate, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The Ohio State graduate balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, he tells his brother, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The Ohio State grad arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides he does want to buy it. The man tells him that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, he drives to the nearest town to send his brother a telegram to tell him the news.

He walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my brother telling him that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need him to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help him, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the Ohio State grad only has $1 left. He realizes that he'll only be able to send his brother one word. After thinking for a few minutes, he nods, and says, "I want you to send him the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is he ever going to know that you want him to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send him the word, 'comfortable'?"

The Ohio State grad explains, "My brother graduated from Michigan."

"He'll read it very slow."

________

A Michigan football player reported for his university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions.

He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then in a fit of inspiration reaches into his pocket and removes a coin. He starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers.

________

An Ohio State fan used to amuse himself by scaring every Michigan fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their obnoxious maize and blue colors. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, and then he would swerve back on the road just before hitting them.

One day, as the van driver was driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the priest "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to give Mass at St. Joseph's Church, about five miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!"

The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the van continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Wolverine fan strutting down the road, and instinctively, he swerved as if to hit him. But as usual, just in time, he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the guy. Even though he was certain he missed the guy, he still heard a loud "THUD."

Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, but he didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit that Michigan fan."

"That's OK" replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

________

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it earth, and it is going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of the earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. The Middle East over there is going to be a hot spot." God continued, pointing to different lands, "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a unique landmass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God, "That's Ohio, the most glorious place on earth. It will have beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and fertile farmland. The people from Ohio are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving. I'm also going to give them an incredible football team that will be admired and feared by all who come across it."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about the balance, God. You said that there will be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loudmouth, arrogant jerks I'm putting north of them."

________

Two boys are playing football in a park in Columbus when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Buckeyes' Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I not a Buckeyes' fan" the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Columbus I just assumed you were. What team do you root for?" asked the reporter.

"I'm a Michigan Wolverines' fan," the child replied.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,"ROTTEN LITTLE KID KILLS BELOVED FAMILY PET"

________

Two Wolverines boarded a shuttle flight out of Detroit for Chicago. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat, beside him.

Just before takeoff, a Buckeye got on and took the aisle seat next to the Wolverines. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in,when the Wolverine in the window seat, said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Buckeye, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Wolverine picked up the Buckeye's shoe and spit in it.

When the Buckeye returned with the coke, the other Wolverine said, "That looks good; I think I'll have one too." Again, the Buckeye obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Wolverine picked up the other shoe and spit in it.

The Buckeye returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Chicago. As the plane was landing, the Buckeye slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Buckeye asked. "This enmity between our peoples? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

________

A guy named Bob received a free ticket to the OSU/Michigan game from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at the stadium, he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium way back in the South Stands-- he was closer to the Goodyear blimp than to the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, he noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way down to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No."

Now, very excited to have such a great seat for the game, Bob said, "That's incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the OSU / Michigan game and not use it?" The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Ohio State game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad, " said Bob. "But you couldn't find a friend or relative to come with you?"

The man replied, "No. They're all at the funeral."

________

Remember: Keep Ohio Green.

Dump your trash in Michigan.

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