A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, and nanotechnology. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. + Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and such. Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the robot says... real slow, "So... is... Michigan..... gonna... have... a... good... team...this ... year???

________

A family of Michigan fans head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in their local sports shop the son picks up an Ohio State jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Buckeye fan and I would like this for Christmas."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him on the head and says, "Go talk to mother."
Off goes the little lad with the Ohio State jersey in hand and finds his mother. "Mom?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Buckeye fan and I would like this jersey for Christmas."
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him on the head and says, "Go talk to your father!"
Off he goes with the Ohio State Jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Ohio State fan and I would like this jersey for Christmas."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son on the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been a Buckeye fan for an hour and I already hate you Michigan people."

________

A stockbroker, on his way home from work in Columbus, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual."

He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "Lloyd Carr is depressed, so he stopped the team bus and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He is tired of losing to Ohio State every year and says that the university has cut back on his recruiting budget, making it more difficult for him to sign quality players. We're taking up a collection for him."

The stockbroker asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies, "About 75 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

________

A graduate from Ohio State, a graduate from Michigan and a pig were in the hospital waiting room, each awaiting the birth of his first child. Suddenly, the lights went out. Fortunately, power was restored shortly thereafter and the head nurse made her way to the waiting room.

"I've got good news and bad news, gentlemen and pig," she announced. Despite the electrical outage, two healthy boys and one healthy piglet have been delivered. However, since the lights went out at the most inopportune time, we aren't sure which first-born belongs to whom. The only way we know to resolve the problem is to draw straws and have the winner choose first."

The three proud papas agreed and the Ohio grad won the drawing. He was escorted into the delivery room and looked at the three newborns for a painstakingly long time. Finally, with head bowed, he scooped up the piglet and headed for the door

"Sir, are you quite certain that you've made the right choice," the nurse asked "No, I'm not," replied the Buckeye grad. "But I just couldn't run the risk of ending up with the Michigan kid."

________

Hang on to any of the new State of Michigan quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury Announced today that it is recalling all of the Michigan quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

"We are recalling all the new Michigan quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or other coin-operated devices."

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. "The problem lies in the unique design of the Michigan quarter, which was created by a University of Michigan graduate," Shackleford said.

"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

________

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm an M graduate," the young man replied indignantly, "I even played football there!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom. I'll show you how."

________

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Michigan jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Ohio State jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks' side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Wolverine fan from the water. Then using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it, too, into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was bitter hatred between Ohio State & Michigan but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true".

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that"?

"It was the Pope", one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom".

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing.

Is the bait holding up O.K., or do we need to get another one"?

Footnote: No sharks or Michigan fans were actually harmed in the telling of this joke.

________

A Michigan football player was nearly killed in a horrible horseback riding accident. He was thrown off the horse and almost got trampled. Thank God the K-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.

________

An old man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars. He had three sons. He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like to know what each of them would like to have. He stressed that money was no object.

His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. His father went out, and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in different colors, so that he would have a different one to drive every day of the week.

His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle. So his father went out, and again since money was no object, bought him 30 new motorcycles: 10 dirt bikes, 10 Harley Davidsons, and 10 sport bikes, so he would have a different bike to ride every day of the month.

His third and youngest son was only 8 years old, and the little guy said that he simply had wanted just a Mickey Mouse outfit. So, money being no object, his father went out and bought his son the University of Michigan.

________

A Ohio State fan, a Michigan fan and a Penn State fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Penn State fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.

The Penn State fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Michigan fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Michigan fan out crying like a little girl.

The Ohio State fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your alumni has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Buckeye fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Michigan fan to my back."

________

Duck Hunters in Michigan (allegedly a true story)

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.

They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!!

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